Okay, let’s face it… Menstruation blows… hardcore. And, just so everyone knows now, when I am old and living in a facility I will hate the changing of my poopy old person diapers with just as much hatred as I currently hold for riding the raggin’ wagon. I’m warning you all now.
In any case, probably one of the worse things about the whole menstruation thing is that you have to carry things with you wherever you go, so that your purse turns into the veritable grown up diaper bag. AND, if you are anything like me after 5-7 days of misery you often forget to remove said things from your purse….. only to have them later attack desk clerks like ninjas. On top of a new mini series of “When Feminine Hygiene Products Attack”, there is nothing I hate more than going out and while out having to go tend to things. Why? I carry an enormous bag… so I have to:
1. Take enormous bag with me and everyone either knows what I am doing -or- think I am stealing the salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Remove thing from purse and carry it embarassingly to the bathroom while trying to keep it hidden, but knowing I am sucking at it.
So what’s a bitchy gal to do?
A lovely delightful roll up pouch to store the vile things in. It is a roll up pouch by the way, not a tampon cozy… I knit NO cozies. Pattern will follow soonly, so keep watching this space. BUT that is not all… oh no…. If I must continuously face this each month, I have decided I shall do it with my own style and sense of humor. So, emblazoned on the back of the pouch is this:
Oh yeah, I went there.
As promised, here comes a pattern. On projects like this I work very organically, this means that I just knit and go and oft times can’t remember what I did. I did note down what I was doing until a point…. then I went crazy with completing in leu of actual notation. Am I making excuses for being lame? Of course! So there you go.
Here is the chart for the vampire bit on the back. Any 12block x 12block image would fit nicely on this, if you just have to not have the vamp.
I embroidered the blood drop on after it was all done, you can do that however you like.
CO 30 sts
Knit 3 rows in Moss/Seed Stitch
Then Knit 22 rows in Stockinette
Weave in a waste line
Knit 5 rows of Stockinette
Weave in another waste line (these waste lines determine the bottom of the pouch. If you want yours to be deeper add a few more rows of stockinette)
Knit 5 more rows of stockinette
Now, knit 9 stitches and start first line of vamp pattern from bottom up, knit 9 stitches
Do this for whole vamp pattern
Knit 5 rows of stockinette
Knit 2 rows of Moss/Seed St
Embroider on blood drip for vamp face
Weave in ends
Fold in half, bringing the Moss/Seed stitch edges together
Sew down sides
This is the tricky part (tricky because I can’t explain it well), pinch the bottom corner of the pouch flat using the side seam you just made as a marker to denote the center of the resulting triangle. Now, sew across the “bottom” of this triangle using the waste yarns as starting and ending points for your seam. Fold the triangle up against the side seam and stitch it flat to the side seam. Make sure you do this for both sides. Remove waste yarn.
Pick up 20 stitches on the edge with the face
Knit in Stockinette. Now this is important… about here is where I stopped paying attention…. BUT… this is where your own personal likes come in. Do you only use tampons? Are you a pad girl? Knit this flap to accomadate what you actually use (no sense in knitting more than you have to). It helps to actually have some things handy for measuring and remember to include space so it can fold nicely (like an inch or two in between pads and tampons is good). Make sure that the right side of the stockinette stitch is facing the same direction as on the pouch. V’s on the V side and ~ on the ~ side.
Once you have knit the flap to meet your needs finish off with 2 rows of Moss/Seed stitch and BO
Using an “G” crochet needle I single crocheted around the edge of the flap so that it would lay flat.
CO 11 stitches and knit in whatever stitch you like for however long you need. Stockinette works good for tampons and moss/seed st ends with stockinette middle is good for pads. Remember to accomadate for space, meaning if you intend to slide a tampon in the holder, make sure its going to fit. BO. Sew down in appropriate places.
On face edge again on the outside of the folding flap pick up 11 stitches and knit in Moss/Seed stitch to make strap for button. Shove your things in their appropriate holders, fold it up, and keep them there so you can measure for button strap accuracy. Make a button hole however you deem is appropraite (I used BO 5 or 6 stitches and CO 5 or 6 stitches on the next row). Now, I made decreases every now and again to give a rounded edge (I ended and BO when I got to 5 or 6 stitches) , you can do the same or keep it squarish…. its up to you.
Add button… me, I used to a snakeprint button (you can’t really see it snakeprintness in the pics…. but its there) to keep with its attitude.
Weave in ends
Do a final check over
Voila you are done… now go eat some chocolate and read a Cosmo… you earned it.