I have probably the worst luck ever. I’ve said this before, and its actually true. I’ve totally come to terms with it, but there are times when it surprises me… which pisses me off. Surprising bad luck… is a bad thing.
Sunday is laundry day. I load up the car, head on down to the laundromat, and do the laundry for an hour or two depending on how much we have. Its a nice little break from the house and the kids. I sit and read (or knit) while the laundry washes and dries away, all the while listening to my Sansa.
I listen to my Sansa not only because I like music, but it makes it one step harder to talk to to me. You see… I am a freak magnet… if there is a freak (be that freak on a bus, on the street, in a restaurant, whatever) it is like they are equipped with freaking Stephieface radar. You can see them scan the room, and then their eyes settle on me, to which they immediately come over to me and procede to scare the heebie jeebies out of me with their conversations and/or antics. Past examples of freak antics:
-Bus ride from North Carolina to Pittsburgh… guy boards at DC… he is wearing a smart black and white houndstooth cropped jacket and matching skirt… not a kilt…. SKIRT… looking like quite the gutter replica clone of Iggy Pop. There are many seats available, but as he is a freak his radar identifies to him where I am sitting and he takes up the space next to me. I don headphones and start reading a book as the bus starts the trip. I get a weird creepy feeling and look out the window (now… I know that you’re thinking at this point in the story I will talk about something looking back at me hanging on to the side of the bus like the creature on the airplane wing of that one 80’s movie aren’t you?) but its dark outside and I see nothing and I go to return to my book… yet something grabs my attention and I look back up to see the Iggy Pop’s clone’s reflection of him staring at me and trying to look down my shirt! So I whip my head around and he hurries and looks elsewhere… if he could have done the whole “whistling to show my inncocence” thing I’m sure he would have. So I return skeptically back to my book. Now, know that I am a horrible carcaleptic and cannot stop myself from sleeping in a moving vehicle… so against my better judgement my body conked out on me and started sleeping. It was a little bit later that my extreme feeling of creepiness awoke me… startled to find Iggy Pop’s clone petting my hair! Millions of scenerios began to fill my head, the scariest of which was the thought that if should I fall asleep again I would wake up to find myself at the bottom of a deep hole with Iggy Pop’s clone saying “It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again” above me. Not wanting to become part of a woman skin suit I yell at him for touching me and plot my future living in a Breezewood gas station. The bus stops at Breezewood and everyone disembarks for potty breaks and food. I hurry off to pee and get back on… pondering if I can successfully hide in the bathroom for the rest of the trip or if I can mingle amongst the baggage until I get to Pittsburgh. Then this other passenger gets back on the bus, he says to me “Hey, you’re the one sharing a seat with the weirdo drag queen right?” and I nod my head. He says, “Hey, my seat partner smells like shit… not like just “bad” shit… but like actual fecal shit… how about you come sit with me and we’ll force the freaks to sit together?” Let me tell you I jumped on that deal faster than sailor on shore leave. So I move on over and my savior offers me some of his KFC…. which was at that moment the best god damned KFC I have ever eaten in my life. So the other passengers filter on, and Iggy Pop’s clone gets back on the bus. When he sees where I am sitting he stands and stares at me angrily, even failing to shift when the other people wanting to get back on the bus yell at him to move. Finally the bus driver forces him to move to allow everyone to get back on so he can get back on the road. KFC Guy’s seat partner gets on and sees that I am in his seat, shrugs drunkenly and sits next to Iggy Pop’s clone. The bus starts and we are on our way. All the way to Pittsburgh, Iggy Pop’s clone stares angrily at me like I was some cheating ex girlfriend… he does it so much that KFC guy starts shifting in his seat to block the clone’s view of me- smiling conspiratorily with me. We reach Pittsburgh and everyone starts filtering off the bus. KFC guy thanks me for being a nice non shit smelling seat partner. I thank KFC guy for saving me from Iggy Pop’s Buffalo Bill clone. We laugh and shake hands. The disembark line is coming up to our turn and KFC guy stands and lets me off first, then blocks the walkway by slowly getting down his bag from the overhead trapping the clone on the bus while I make my getaway. I smile back at the KFC guy (who’s name I never knew) and dip off the bus while Iggy Pop’s clone tried physically pushing KFC out of the way to follow me. I grab my luggage from the pile and tear off inside the station. I meet up with my friend who was there to pick me up, and I drag him to the parking lot all the while telling him of my perilous adventure- looking over my shoulder to see if Iggy Pop’s clone is following to make a girl suit from me.
– I got dry humped by a mentally retarded midget while he sang me songs of how much he wanted to *f* me all night long. It was so terrible and uncomfortable that a samaritan college student had to get involved claiming he was my boyfriend and started yelling at the young man’s escort for allowing him to procede as such. I stand outside, flabbergasted at my luck in life.
Here I realize just how far I have digressed from the original intent of this post….
So, with these examples of past experiences in mind, know that I listen to my Sansa so I don’t have to converse with people. Sometimes, I put it in my back pocket as I switch the laundry from washer to dryer. I don’t use the handy dandy arm sling cozy it comes with because in my neighborhood that gets you jacked and mugged for it. Anything that requires its own cozy is worth stealing. Its in my back pocket… I forget about it back there. Next day I put those same pants on to go outside and check the mail. I check the mail and come back inside and go to the bathroom to pee. I do my business without issue… until I go to pull my pants up… for when I do my Sansa pops out of my back pocket and into the toilet bowl. I wait a second (the second where you debate if shoving your hand in your own urine is worth whatever you dropped in there) and I retrieve it. I clean it off as best I can and wrap it in an old washcloth… I then wash my hands continuously for the next five minutes. Today, I try turning it on and it fails to turn on…. hence the feeling of overwhelming bad luck which forced me to start this post in the first place. It may still be a little wet in there (eeeeew) so I’ll give it another day or two to dry out…. fingers crossed- after I wash them of course.
In other news, I thought I’d post this super useful info because I check these sites all the time to find out when they update… to save you this trouble… here you go:
Knitty’s New Issue Going Live Schedule:
This is what it says on their site…..Summer, June…. Fall, September…. Winter, December…. Spring, March… Spring
ETA: Stephanie from here adds:
“…knitty publishes in september, december, april, and july. or whenever whazername gets around to it…”
Magknits…. well they claim on their schedule that they will have a new issue every month.. so there you go
The Anticraft New Issue Going Live Schedule:
May1…. Aug1…. Nov1….Feb1
Other Useful info…. if you ever have to, the Amazon.com customer service line is cool. You go through a link on their site, give your info, and they call you. I had a problem with a order and they called me 2 minutes after I hit the “submit” button on their site. No waiting on hold listening to bad music… it was cool. The problem I had btw… I had three accounts all with the same email addy so I wasn’t getting the access I needed for my request… be uber careful when ordering…. you too could create multiple accounts as it apparently happens all the time.
There you go… I’m off to wash my hands……. again…… Out Damned Spot!
Totally forgot to add…..
See, Mr Stephieface likes political stuff. He frequently has political debates with our very liberal friend Ben, and they can be quite entertaining to say in the least. For, in one part our very liberal friend Ben quotes the Daily Show and TZT as valid sources for political information. Now mind you, I’m in love with Jon Stewart as much as the next gal (he is just so darned cute and funny) but as he himself has stated in the past about his own show as… “Its a comedy show!”. Comedy shows should not be your entire source of information… yet once again I digress….
So last night Mr Stephieface calls me into the computer room and says he has something to show me. There is a guy running for Congressional office in North Carolina named Vernon Robinson who has been getting alot of attention for his ad campaigns. This is a guy who you either love or hate… there is no fence riding on this guy. Whether or not you agree with his platform, you have to admit that his outright declaration of what he thinks is refreshing. He isn’t pandering for your vote, saying what he can to please you for right now until you vote him in. He’s telling you what he thinks, and what he believes, and how he’ll vote with no nonense… knowing full well that his ad campaign may or may not piss you the hell off. What is entertaining is the amount of support (monetary and otherwise) he is getting from outside of his state. So regardless of if you hate him or love him….. you gotta give the guy mad credit for making an impression. And just so you know, his campaigns are for real…. I had thought that they were made up parodies…. but nope they are the real deal.