Memorial Day, the Day I Malign My Mammeries

Last night, I went late night shopping at Walmart. I own one bra that isn’t a maternity/breastfeeding bra so I thought it was about time to get another. Shopping for said bra was when I discovered the conspiracy by the IBTC….. The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Now here I have included a schematic of the bra section and my path through it….

Now I will include the places where they had bras in my size. The X’s that are red are ones that are my size and not a Cross My Heart or Just my Size bra… the CMH and the JMS bras will be marked in purple……

Now to understand just what exactly the issue is……How many x’s do you see in the ENTIRE bra section? Last night I discovered that Walmart’s bra section is 90% IBTC friendly and 10% Big Busty Gals friendly…. surely there is a conspiracy underfoot. Don’t believe me? The proof! (by the way the Genetically Altered Persons Store [GAP] is the very same way except their sizes do not go above 38C).

1. If there was a cute print, lacey, inexpensive bra (inexpensive here meaning under $10) the biggest size available was a 34C….. UNLESS it was an ugly grandma bra then I could find like 10 or so naturally if I wanted to wear a bra with a billion hooks in back and 17 in wide shoulder straps.

2. All BBG bras were hidden in the backs of rows like braligical pariahs in tiny numbers of 1-3. If the style of bra had 2-5 colors available (for example white, black, tan, pink, and blue)only one color would have one sad BBG bra… the rest were devoted to perky and small 36Bs and 32AAs.

3. If you wear a BBG sized bra (38D-40C and above) you will pay on average 3 dollars more than the IBTC bras because the cheap cute bras are not in your size and not available to you.

4. Just My Size, Cross My Heart, and Queen Latifah’s Curvations have BBG sizes….BUT the JMS/CMH bras can cost about $20+… and as someone who think that Vicky Secrets prices are insane for just thongs…. this is still too much. QLC were not as expensive, but were more than I was willing to spend last night and was only half a teensy weensy end cap (end of aisle display) which is like 8 or so hooks. Good luck finding your size if there are other women who wear it.

5. Now… the weather right now is… as we say…. getting warm so pretty soon people will be blasting their ACs. I don’t know why people insist on setting their ACs on artic frost… but when they do there is nothing finer than the classic “Hot Outside, Cold AC Inside” high beam. High beam is defined as sticky outty nips…. nubs…. buttons…. and of course “hey, I’m pointing North”. So to avoid this I like to buy the… for lack of a better term… push up bras since they have padding that will quash and hide the above phenomenon. Good Luck finding one…. apparently women who must eternally defy Mean Mr Gravity have no need for bras that push up. We apparently only require bras that allow you to hang low.
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
And can they touch your toes?
Do your boobs… hang… low?
Apparently BBGs like high beaming…. because the answer “No its just cold in here” will totally be believed by guys.

6. If hanging low isn’t torture enough… 90% of the BBG bras have underwire. I hate underwire… I think it is the devil. I think its secretly doing this to me:1A: its seperating parts of my boob down into my ribcage so I have rib rolls…. which is dead sexy if you ask me
1B: it has razor blades at the top of the curve located in my arm pit so it can slash me and poke me constantly when I least expect it. That’s when its not making ominous creaking noises as I move.

I did finally find a bra I could wear after 45 minutes of searching the backwoods of the bra section… I think I left there with a machete and unknown yet to be discovered bug bites.

God Damn you IBTC…. I WILL get my revenge.

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10 Comments

  1. Severina said,

    May 29, 2006 at 10:33 am

    Apparently these stores stock one 38 DD bra and only in white. WHITE. Damn these girls and their teeny perky boobs!

    Don’t even get me started on the ones that fit just fine when you put them on but walk three steps and gravity takes over and that buckle on the straps starts to slide. If I had wanted to rest my elbows on them I wouldn’t have put the damn bra on.

    Feh.

  2. keohinani said,

    May 30, 2006 at 4:07 pm

    muahahahahaha!

    there’s nothing more humbling than bra shopping…except maybe bathing suit and jeans shopping.

    men have it so damn easy.

  3. Amy said,

    May 30, 2006 at 9:32 pm

    I read your post this morning and I know exactly how you feel. I have to buy new bras, but I’m procrastinating about it because it’s such a letdown.

  4. Stephieface said,

    May 30, 2006 at 10:27 pm

    I didn’t try Target’ you could always try them…. but they are really just a classier Walmart so if you are a cheap cheap bastitch like myself it’s better off to chance good ole Wally World.
    Word of Advice… stay away from the Clearance bras… they are there for a reason! My last clearance bra creeked and groaned as if completing the job of its very existance was too much for it.
    If you are willing to lay down $13 or so a bra the Queen Latifah Curvations bras aren’t half bad and they have a whole slew of options:
    The side fat squishy to the front bra
    The back fat minimization bra
    The Longest yard (those are for girls who are otherwise petite but have big long boobies) with industrial strength bra straps.

    Seriously, Queen Latifah hawks Pizza Hut and Cover Girl…. how can we NOT trust her?

  5. Liz R. said,

    May 31, 2006 at 12:38 pm

    I’m with you on the Big Boob Bra problem. I’ve been a D-cup since I was 12 (an E while I was pregnant and nursing!!) and there are no REASONABLY prices bras that aren’t made for strippers.

    Wal-mart is the WORST for bras!!!

  6. Sunflowerfairy said,

    May 31, 2006 at 2:47 pm

    I’m VP of the IBTC and well, Walmart sucks for me too. I know, I know…booo, hisss.

    When I go I can’t find anything that fits because I’m too small. Thanks to my kid needing to be fed I’m now smaller (never thought that was possible…guess it was…) and saggier. Delightful. So I thought one of those underwire torture devices would work. Hell no.

    I’m a 34 a and still get the under the boob bump. Nice.

  7. Stephieface said,

    May 31, 2006 at 3:15 pm

    We should switch Walmart locations then! 😀

    With each pregnancy my boobs got bigger. I was told that I might end up smaller than before baby…. Lies all lies!
    What is odd id that my sister is smaller in that area… or in Monty Pythonese she has Managable Tracts of Land while I have Expansive Tracts of Land. Lucky.

  8. Laural said,

    May 31, 2006 at 3:27 pm

    Reading this has been the delight of my day! I hate bra shopping and I hate the fact that somehow I’ve gone up a size so I have boob humps where they come out of the top of a regular bra. Regular bra being a C. I hate that buying something that we need is an investment.

  9. LisaBe said,

    May 31, 2006 at 5:18 pm

    though they’re not cheap, real bra stores (like the pussycat in squirrel hill http://www.anotherpussycat.com or smartform downtown) really do make a difference. you will pay top dollar–four, six, or even ten times what you do in target–but you will care for what you get accordingly (wash only in the shower with mild shampoo when necessary, hanging to dry) so it’ll last longer, and you’ll only buy two or three. the important part: it will FIT you. you WILL find what you need in your size the first time you go, it will be pretty (and functional) (or just pretty, if that’s all you’re after, in some situations!). i went for my first fitting in a couple of decades recently, skeptically, and was amazed at the difference between the size with which i was fitted (also not the same across brands and styles) and the sizes i’d been buying at target and victoria’s secret for years. i learned a lot and will never go back to my old ways! so sorry you had such a lousy time 😦 sounds miserable!

  10. Stepherz said,

    June 6, 2006 at 11:52 am

    Well, I guess regardless of whether you are a buxom babe or a smaller chested diva, bras just aren’t as much fun to shop for the older you get. At 16, I was as flat chested as a squashed tater cake but I LOVED bra and thong shopping. Now that I’m 30, I’ve lost that enthusiasm and bra buying is a CHORE! I think that we start looking more towards comfort instead of cutesy, which makes it harder to find the soul mate bra…


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