Languishing When You Are Pregnant, Just Means You Are Lying There Looking Bumpy
Donna asked in the comments of my last post if I was ready for Beans…..
Oooohhh I was ready a while ago, and even though I am only a hop skip and a jump (well, I’m pregnant- its more of an excited shuffle than an actual jump) from my due date, I have already hit the wall of “This Baby better come out now, I swear to all that is holy”.
I’m tired of these things:
- I’m tired of being out of breath because I shifted so Beans would stop kicking me in the lung or the pelvic bone
- I’m tired of swollen feet
- I’m tired of the itchies, its seriously just not that possible to be itchy in that many places at once without having contracted poison ivy or something
- I’m tired of having to hold my breath so I can tie my shoes
- I’m tired of the 50/50 chance I could pee when I bend over
- I’m tired of the fact that the ‘Dead To Me Zone” is claiming over 70% of my things now (the Dead To Me Zone is when something hits the floor. Being hugely pregnant and having short t-rex arms, once something hits the floor its dead to me)
- I’m tired of me getting dressed being a Jane Fondaesque workout- I am just putting on clothes damn it
- I’m tired of the baby belly and the steering wheel fighting for space
So, I can say with much authority……. yes- I am totally ready for Beans.
Here we see a picture of Pregnasaurus Rex, please note the following:
- Large baby belly
- Short tiny arms that can reach absoloutely nothing
- Large Swollen feet
- The frazzled hair that no matter what PRex does never looks fetching
- The angry look on the face due to general grumpyness and authority that PRex’s Mister is never ever ever going to be allowed to touch PRex again- ever
- PRex’s tail, that no matter the assurances from PRex’s Mister that “No, your ass is not too big” feels huge and ungainly
I Am A Bad Bad Bad Blogger
Because I took no pictures of my trip with my camera and only a scant few with my camera phone. We returned yesterday, early evening- and needless to say, I was exhausted. One, I drove halfway… and Two, when I was the passenger and tried to sleep- I couldn’t…..
Step 1: Snuggle down in chair to get comfy
Step 2: Go to sleep
Step 3: Minutes later be awakened by an extreme tickling of your nose… not unlike a bug crawling up your nostril or a Mister shoving a digit in your airway
Step 4: Look around for possible culprit(s) to the waking up
Step5: Finding none, repeat (certain that the Mister has something to do with it)
Step 5a: After repeating, stare at Mister for tell tale signs he did have actually something to do with your waking
I must have been tired, because it took me until we reached home and I was sitting on my couch to finally come to the realization that I was being awakened…. by my own hair. Why I never accounted that my hair + blowing wind from open windows = tickled nose…… I’ll never know.
The Last Few Finishing Touches
Tomorrow we leave for Virginia to spend Memorial Day Weekend with my family. I’m very excited as this will be the first time in a long long while that the Mister and I will be together on a vacation-like trip that wasn’t going to a medieval event.
I think it will just be nice to get out of Pittsburgh for a quick change of scenery before Beans is born.
We’re aiming for a trip to the Zoo in Washington DC. This was the Mister’s idea. Not knocking my Mister’s high hopes and expectations…. but I think it may not work out. There will be thousands…… thousands…. of other families doing the same exact thing because everyone and their mother is off for Memorial Day- AND it is the DC zoo afterall. Heck, I wait until its raining or snowing to go to the Pittsburgh one if I can help it- just so there will be less people there. We’ll see how it turns out.
In other news, I was contacted about doing a personal Discworld swap through Craftster. This amuses the Mister to no end that people will write me and ask me to Discworld Swap. I say, Hey- at least I’m good at something.
Not that I am a LOST fanatic or anything, but I was saddened by the LOST season finale last night. It was pretty depressing there in the last half hour. Much like the HEROES season finale (another show I didn’t really watch, just catching here and there) I spent a good portion of it explaining to the Mister what was going on since I know slightly more about the show(s) than he does. I do have to say that I hope more awesome things happen next season to my two favorite characters from the shows…. Hurley in LOST and Hiro in HEROES….. Go heavies go!
So now I’m off to pack and will not be returning til Monday! Enjoy your weekend everybody!
And So It Begins
Now begins the arduous task of deciding what knits/knitting paraphenalia are coming with me for the Stephieface Family trip at the end of the week. I know my Sister’s Thing is coming with me, as well as Thing Jr which I also completed…… (and has a story, thank you very much). Its the Work In Progress (WIP) that giving me trouble.
Initially I think I should bring Bean’s Thing and work on that, since its simple and can easily be tinked if I make a mistake. Then again there is always the siren song of starting something new. Most likely it will be Bean’s Thing though since I’ll be knitting in the car for most of the trip, and its my job to keep the Mister awake on the drive (Great plan right? Rely on the Carcaleptic to keep you awake….zzzzzzzzzzzz).
I’ve noticed somethng funny about MySpace…. noooooo its not what you’re thinking… I too have a MySpace page. What’s funny is all my friends on MySpace fall into three main categories:
1. People who I used to work with at CompUSA of which there are 8
2. Younger aged inlaws 2
3. Entertainers who I have never personally met (mostly local comics) 4
Have you ever worked at a job, left for whatever reason, but still maintained contact with more than one person there? Have you maintained contact with people you used to work with, when none of you work there anymore (except like… one I think)? I think its kinda of weirdly awesome…. or awesomely weird… whichever. Like it was mentioned a few times while we worked there, about how we absoloutely hated the job and we’d leave in a second….. but we stayed because we really liked working with the people. It was probably the first job I ever had like that, where I would dread going in everyday- save for the fact that I’d see Meg, Julie, Little Jim, many others, and Bruce from the Mac section (to be honest though, I just liked looking at Bruce from the Mac section’s butt in his work carpenter pants). I was no longer working there in 2002, so its been 5 years, and we still all have a desire to stay in communication with one another- which says something I think. It says we either really did work there for the people, or it was like war torn trenches where we were commrades in arms in a terrible place of doom and death- either works.
Only I Would Make A Project From Nanny’s Knickers….
So, as referenced a bit ago, I decided to step up and swap angel for a crafter who’s swap partner went MIA before reciprocating. I had to think long and hard about what exactly to make, but I wanted to hurry and make something… so that PinFish wasn’t waiting forever and a day more than she already had waited on the first package that would never come. I was kind of stuck on ideas too… My first swap ever, I made a Cripple Mr Onion kit for my partner. In the next swap, my new partner asked for a CMOK as well- so I made her one. As a surprise I made her a Knitted DEATH of Rats (pattern viewable to the right). Then in the next swap my new partner asked for a knitted DOR as well- so I made her one.
See where this is going?
Anywhos, PinFish was not my original partner so there was no initial discourse and therefor… no requests. I was also under the belief that swap angels were anonymous, so I didn’t contact her (she understandably started to worry that she got flaked on again). All said and done, when I received her info I got straight to crafting. But what to craft?
Usually with the Discworld swaps I make normal stuff and apply a Discworldian meaning to it. I figured I’d do that again this go round as well. So, I just recently learned that San Francisco has banned plastic bags or something… and while she doesn’t live in San Fran, I figured I could make her a bag that was big enough to haul groceries. So I combed through several online patterns trying to find exactly what it was that struck me as perfect, finally deciding on this one.
While it was “the one” it was still far from perfect. Lots of stuff about the original bag bugged the hell out of me. So I opted to use just the stitch pattern (but since I didn’t come up with the stitch I still should give credit to where I found it). When I finished the bag it looked like a multicolored cut away of a seamed stocking. My initial inspiration for the bag came from the character, Nanny Ogg, who in several of the books is found pilfering things from assorted larders and stuffing things in her knicker leg- being able to abscond with whole hams and kegs. So thus, Nanny’s Knickers Bag was created.
Nanny’s Knickers Bag
Materials:
Worsted weight Yarn, I used 3 colors but you don’t have to- this could be an excellent oppurtunity to stash bust
US13 circulars 32″ length
Crochet Needle US-H
Tapestry Needle
CO 80 sts, and join for knitting in the round.
Knit in Stockinette for approx 3-4 inches, this is the top rim of the bag.
Then you will begin the body of the bag and you will start doing the pattern repeats for the mesh.
Diagonal Stitch Pattern (multiples of 4 sts, rep 8 rows)
R1: and all odd rows, Knit
R2: k2, *yo, sl1-k2tog-psso, yo, k1 rep from *across to last 2 sts, k2
R3: Knit
R4: k2, *k1, yo, sl1-k2tog-psso, yo rep from * across to last 2 sts, k2
R5: Knit
R6: k1, k2tog, *yo, k1, yo, sl1-k2tog-psso rep from * across to last 5 sts, end yo, k1, yo, ssk, k2
R7: Knit
R8: k2, k2tog, *yo, k1, yo, sl1-k2tog-psso rep from * across to last 4 sts, end yo, k1, yo, ssk, k1
Repeat this pattern for as long as you want the bag to be.
This is where you begin the bottom of the bag. Knit in stockinette for 7-8 inches, BO
Since this bag is meant to look like a cut away of a leg of stockings (with the seam), position the tube so that the long stripe/seam of stockinette lays in the middle of the bag. This stripe/seam mimics the seam on the back of a stocking, but it is the front of the bag.
Turn the tube inside out, reposition so that the stripe/seam is in the middle of the front.
Sew/Seam the bottom closed. You can do the bottom of the bag however you like, you can keep it simple with the one seam…. or you can pinch and sew the ends to make a square bottomed bag (which is what I did for PinFish’s bag). To “pinch the ends”, sew all the way across the bottom of the bag, then pinch the corner of the bag so that the seam from the bottom makes a line down the middle of a triangle, sew across the bottom of the triangle at whatever width you want the side of the bag to be. Fold the triangle down to the bottom of the bag and sew down flat, carefully, making sure not to marr the stockinette of the other side. Do this for both corners, so that looking into the bottom of your bag, the bottom looks like this >—-<
Along the side of the top edge of the bag, Pick Up 5 sts and knit in Moss stitch for however long you want the strap to be, BO leaving a long tail. Use long tail to attach the other end of strap to the other side of the bag. Remember, knitted straps stretch.
For Drawstring: using crochet hook: Pull out a length a yarn (I used 3 yards) fold in half and begin making a crochet chain holding both strands together until all of yarn is used up. Knot both ends well, then weave in and out of holes between double crochets starting on one side of the stripe/seam and ending on the other.
Weave in ends.
Voila! You are done! Now you too can carry away larders and kegs like Nanny.
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After some debate I decided that this post will get you two patterns for one…… I know! The madness!!
Along with the Nanny’s Knickers Bag I made for PinFish, I also sent her along a Calorikerchief or a Kerchiefimetry (I really couldn’t decide on a name). If you look back in this blog, you’ll see that I really enjoy wearing kerchiefs and whatnot. Years ago, I found a free shawl pattern online that has been my standard kerchief pattern for like…. ever, I guess. I have a billionty of the things. Thing is, I have no idea what the original pattern was named, or called, or even where I found it…. much like beloved recipes, I wrote it down and its been transferred from piece of paper to piece of paper for years- never remembering where it came from. If you know what or who’s pattern this is, tell me so I can give them mad credit… its that freaking awesome. I just changed how it ended for this and turned it into a kerchief rather than shawl. I included this in the Discworld swap as a Lancre Peasant kerchief.
The Calorikerchief/Kerchiefimetry
Materials:
I used a 24″ circular needle, but you can use straights if you want
US10 Knitting needles
Worsted Weight yarn
Tapestry Needle
1 Button to match (obtain after you finish knitting)
F Crochet needle
This is meant to be a kerchief that buttons rather than ties. You can alter how lacey the kerchief is by changing up needle sizes. I’ve done this on an assortment of needle sizes and have always loved it. I’ve knitted it in cotton (as both examples shown above) and silk. Just going through the setup alone is enough to know if the yarn and needle choice will work out.
CO 3 sts
Purl the 3 sts
Setup:
R1: Sl1, YO, K1, YO, K1
R2: this row and ALL even numbered rows throughout project- Sl1, P to end
R3: Sl1, YO, K3, YO, K1
R4: Sl1, P to end
R5: Sl1, YO, K5, YO, K1
R6: Sl1, P to end
R7: Sl1, YO, K3, YO, K2tog, K2, YO, K1
R8: Sl1, P to end
R9: Sl1, YO, K3, YO, K2tog, YO, K2tog, K2, YO, K1
R10: Sl1, P to end
R11: Sl1, YO, K5, YO, K2tog, K4, YO, K1
R12: Sl1, P to end
Pattern Stitch:
R1: Sl1, YO, K3, *YO, K2tog, K4* repeat section between stars until 5 sts remain, YO, K2tog, K2, YO, K1
R3: Sl1, YO, K3, *YO, K2tog, YO, K2tog, K2* repeat until 1 st remains, YO, K1
R5: Sl1, YO, K5, *YO, K2tog, K4* repeat until 1 st remains, YO, K1
Repeat rows 1-6 until kerchief is almost wide enough to reach around your head- making sure to complate pattern repeat.
After last repeat of row6, begin this pattern:
R1: Sl1, YO, K until 1 st remains, YO, K1
R2: Sl1, Purl to end
Knit this pattern for a few more rows until kerchief is wide enough to go around your head with some slight overlappage, BO leaving last stitch on needle.
Replace knitting needle with crochet needle.
Begin single or double crocheting BO edge across top, BO.
Weave in ends
Attach button to either end making sure it can easily go through either the last loop of the edging or between the double crochet stitches if you decide to DC.
Voila! You are done! Now you can go be a Lancre Peasant…. in style! (or at least as stylish as a Lancre Peasant gets).
TAG! And Not The Body Spray….
I discovered this morning that I was tagged by Fyberduck for this meme, which is kinda dirty since it happened first thing this morning (“Just call me Fyberduck…. of the morning Fyberducks”….- man I’m old).
The rules:
1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged write a blog post about their own 8 random things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog you need to tag 8 people and post their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
8 Random Facts/ Habits:
1. The music style I prefer most is 80’s, mainly because of bitchin rad guitar solos and the fact that I can understand what’s being sung. Oh and they’re catchier. There is a reason there’s like a billion covers of Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love”.
2. I hate and loathe songs talking about a man cheating on his woman, like the current popular song “Lips of An Angel” where he gets a midnight phonecall from an ex while his woman sleeps unknowingly in the other room. Uncle Kracker had a song like this too, if I recall, a couple years ago. These songs make me cringe like I was watching Maury or Jerry Springer. The silver lining of entertainment though is the knowledge that somewhere in America some young couple has this as “their song”, because they didn’t really listen to the lyrics close enough- just the chorus.
3. Subsequently, along the same musical lines, I would have to say that the Mister’s and My song is “Hanging By A Moment” by Lifehouse- and yes… we listened to all the words (first link is regular, second is accoustic- Jason Wade is an awesome rock anthem love song crooner).
4. I hoard buttons like they were gold, and pick buttons off the ground like pennies. If I recycle a sweater with buttons, no matter how ugly the button… they go in the button box. You never know when you might need one for a project. My button box is still, in any case, severely lacking in comparison to other knitters’ button boxes.
5. I check the mail religiously, and have to note on the calender what days there are no mail with a big black sharpied “No Mail” (or I will walk up and down the stairs all day checking it).
6. Though I seem to do fantastically well in public outings, I am actually quite terrified at the thought of meeting new people.
7. I carry a mini scanned copy of my marriage certificate in my wallet. This mini scanned copy is also laminated. I don’t know why, I just do. I even changed wallets a few times and it has moved right along with my debit card and driver’s license.
8. I know more assorted slang terms for different sexual acts than I probably should.
Let’s see, the eight bloggers I tag are: Donnaz, Donna, Zeeppo, Pins&Needles, Stepherz, Stephanie (and Spike!), Severina, and Sachi (if someone hasn’t already got her).
In other news:
I finished my Sister’s “Thing” for the most part- I still have to add some edging… maybe.
My swap angel package is currently in its recipient’s city trying to be delivered- which makes me realize that they really should disable the stalk function on Delivery Confirmation numbers.
Once a child realizes that your cellphone also has a camera, they will pose everytime you pull it out because someone is calling you.
Where Have All The Good Squirrels Gone?
I probably got the best present for Mother’s Day that a woman in my condition could ask for, (aside from my parents visiting… which was awesome)….. the squirrels are gone, and they left on their own accord.
I must shamefully admit that once we saw that there were 2 where there once was 1, that we began plotting on said squirrels. Don’t get me wrong, I love squirrels- I do. My only concern was that squirrels procreating, and peeing in my house, was probably not best for the baby soon to arrive- so the situation had to be remedied. We came up with a plan, I executed my part of it (throwing apples and celery on the roof to lure them out) and we waited…….
But no squirrels……
We kept peeking up at the gutter they were often seen hanging out of, and saw nothing. We checked a few times every hour. I even broke out an upside down cup and listened to the top step to see if there were any skittering sounds to be heard…..
Nothing.
They were gone. This overjoys me to no end.
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I’m still plodding away on my sister’s “Thing”. Its looking mighty fine if I do say so myself, I may have to make one for Beans since I scrapped the Punk Rawk Plaid Dishcloth Baby Blanket Of Doom- and well, I’ve knitted for everyone else’s babies… I really should think seriously about knitting something for mine.
The Mister has predicted that Beans is going to come early. If I’m going to go with anyone’s gut… its his. He revealed this to my parents this weekend, and explained his reasoning behind it. I’m already exhibiting signs and behaviors now, that in the other pregnancies came just a few weeks before the end. (This now has my sister rooting that I pop really early, like on her birthday early- I’m sure of it.) Now, I don’t know what these signs and behaviors are that he’s talking about…. but I hope he’s right. Beans’ kicking is getting crazy in there. At one point this weekend, my mom had both of her hands on my baby belly in different places, and my dad had one of his hands on the baby belly (not in any space taken up by my mom), and they each could feel Beans kicking. For those counting at home that’s three places getting kicked and/or punched at once. This is not counting the fourth and final place I was getting kicked and/or punched that no one can reach unless they have a medical license or are married to me.
And finally, would you be opposed to the proposition of someone buying your child a racing rat?
Sometimes It Takes a Knitter…
There are some home repairs that are very important…. like say, a collapsing roof or no front door. Then there are some home repairs that aren’t so important or pressing… things you can leave for a bit like a squeaky hinge or a torn screen.
I had the latter of the two, in fact it was the screen issue. Lately here in Pittsburgh, the weather has been awesomely warm- however, as pregnant as I am, it feels like the middle of summer already. So now I have alot of windows open- and those non pressing repairs become somewhat important.
Last year, during a summer hissy fit or possibly boredom, the eldest monkey started cutting our bathroom window screen whenever he was in there. It got so bad that everytime the 10 year old left my bathroom, I would immediately go in there with a camera and take a picture of the window screen… marking the new cuts and slices and comparing pictures to earlier ones I had taken so we could actually prove there were less slices in the screen before he went in the last time.
Then the cold weather came, and a screen full of cuts was not so pressing an issue.
Winter went by, then wintery Spring, and we arrive at now- where a breeze blowing through the house is a godsend. However, the issue of the slices has now come to the forfront- what good is a window screen with slices as long as my forearm?
Of course we could go buy a replacement screen, or replacement screen like material…. however, we’re trying to save up money for a trip to Manassas later this month and we’re scrimping where we can. We can currently scrimp on the screen if I’m willing to sit there like a third world fisherwoman and sew it up. Which I did.
Then came “The Issue”.
The Eldest monkey had removed a section of the screen so there now was a gaping 3inch by 2inch hole in the middle.
Should I scrap the whole thing and just buy a new screen?
Should I just give up?
Never! Much like the rearview mirror debacle I cannot allow inanimate objects to defeat me. So after a quick stash dive for some black crochet cotton, and some US4 DPNs- I ended up with a soloution only a knitter could accomplish:
A Screen Patch. It’s not pretty and looks quite Frankenworthy- but it works, and that’s all a pregnant girl needs for a breeze.
What’s funny is it was the Mister’s idea… who followed up the idea with “Then, when you are done, you can take a picture of it and put it on your blog”. Awwww, god bless him.
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The Angel package was sent, and is currently on its way. A pattern for something inside is written up and waiting for posting- I only await its arrival to its recipient. I like how it turned out actually, a whole lot.
I am also knitting away at the Sister’s “Thing”, and have got further than the four previous tries combined all together. The only thing is deciding if I want to add a border or not when I’m done.
All in all, I’ve had alot of knitterly things going on… which is good- it distracts me from the thought of squirrels doing it in my gutters.
ETA: By the way, run on over to Steph’s and give her some congrats as you oooooh and awwwww over the sweetness of her brand new baby boy! Then, after you plotz over the cuteness, just try to keep your ovaries in check. Congrats Steph!
WoW… Just Wow…
I recently learned that in order to accomplish something for my sister, I can’t sit anywhere near the Mister.
Oooooo that sounds so dirty doesn’t it?
No, He’s not so overly amorous that I have to beat him away with a stick… well at least not everyday anyways. Typically, in the evenings if nothing is on TV, I’m sitting next to the Mister while he plays World of Warcraft. Usually I’m knitting, because frankly WoW bores me and I have this weird affection thing for my husband… go figure. So typically, he’s sitting there killing his 1’s and 0’s, talking to his WoW friends- meanwhile I’m sitting next to him knitting, making snarky comments about what his friends say…. overall a good time.
However, I’m knitting something for my sister (her birthday is coming up soon…..muhahahahahaha…….30) currently. Four times I have stopped and restarted on the thing, finding that the Mister calls away my attention at apparently the most crucial of moments in the pattern. I have even tried 4 different stitches, hoping that keeping the pattern row number under 4 would work…… yeah, it doesn’t. I think though I have finally found how to defeat the Mister and his WoW distractions, though it involves alot of stockinette. However, my sis reads this here blog so no more details on her “Thing” until she gets it.
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So a new update in Chez Squirrellyface…… Oh, you’re going to love this…….
Squirrelly contempt times 2.
I’m Supposed To Get Spoiled On Mother’s Day, Right?
I’m done with this pregnancy already… seriously. There comes a point where the thought of another week doomed to never see my shoes when I stand or not being able to lean against a counter begins to bring me down……… and I still have 10 weeks left. Le sigh…….
The thought that has inspired this post…….
Dear Maternity Clothes Designers and Producers,
Hi, its me again… you know, Stephieface- the girl that can’t keep from getting pregnant. I know that you really enjoy that my simply standing in a room with my husband makes me pregnant and therefor a repeat customer…. but really, I have a bone to pick with you.
You see, the thing I hate the most about being pregnant? Its not the hip pains, or the constant need to pee. Its not the huffing and puffing that is involved in putting on my shoes or underwear. Its not even the fact that I’ll eat things I abhor because the baby forces me to…. Its the clothes- which is why this important to you.
So I ask, dear maternity clothes people, what is up with your belief that I wish to run around baring my baby bellyfied midrif?
I’m 31, this is my third pregnancy, and frankly my frankensteinian midrif can stay under wraps where it will not frighten children, old ladies, and those people with heart conditions. Why do you insist on making maternity clothes that show it off? Why, when I buy a shirt, do I arrive at home only to discover that you forgot a couple of inches of fabric at the bottom?
This is me in a maternity tank top:
This is me in the same maternity tank top when I don’t take the picture crazy close:
I know, I know… the pic is crazy dark- but if you look in the bottom left hand corner you can clearly see belly. Why can’t you take take that excess fabric from the back of my shirt and put it on the front? Why do you refuse to make maternity pants that don’t shimmy down of their own accord? Why do you make maternity pants that give me the 9month case of saggy ass or as my mom always called it Droopy Drawers?
While yes, as pregnant as I am, I’m not expected to run a marathon…. I do however expect that if waddling quickly from car to porch in a torrential downpour that my pants not scootch down below my ass so that the whole neighborhood can see my granny panties.
I am not Kate Hudson, or Britney, or any one of those Hollywood starlets with plastic tummies that desire to show it off with every outing. I am a pale 30 something housewife with stretchmarks on my stretchmarks who knows that reality isn’t always pretty. How about you design for that?
Stephieface
PS- BTW, while I have your attention…. gravity is not my friend right now. How about when you make cute summery tops, you recall the fact that I have to wear a bra so that my boobies aren’t hitting my knees. Also, stop making the neckline of maternity tops dip lower and lower so it will invariably show the front of my bra… while simultaneously not manufacturing cute maternity bras that go with. Either un50’s the maternity bra, or bring the necklines back up- its only fair.
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There will be some knitting content soon, I just have to wait for my intended swapee to receive the package I sent off today. You see, all of my current knitting has been for her, and I can’t ruin the surprise.
